Friday, December 31, 2010


The best and the worst according to Lil Miss Ayeesha MD.



-So mental! Like it will make you think. It's like a philosophy slash psychology class.




-I am being unfair here. It's not the worst, I have to admit. It's just that it's overrated. Time for it to be underrated.




-He is the most famous Pinoy blogger. If you don't know how fabulous he is, visit I love his signature gayness.



California Gurls

-Wala lang. May landi eh. And it's a happy tune. It completes my morning.



Bold lip color

-Just a swipe of a trusty lippy and you're all set. Voila!



K-pop and J-pop gaya-gaya puto maya

-Siguro bagay sa mga singkit yan. Pero sa Pinoy, parang masyadong trying hard magpacute.



"Ah kawto ah."

-(inaccurate translation: ah ganun ba.) I always hear this. I don't understand why I get irritated by this.



The Rise of the Jejemons

-Need I say more?



Tickee winning the SSG election

-Woman power!



Robin Padilla

-Walang kupas si idol. Can't blame you Mariel.



Aktibista Kuno

-Lahat na lang ng advocacies, causes, movements ay sinusuportahan. Ok lang sana kung hindi nandadamay. Pati ikaw gusto niya na magsupport din.



Jopay. Yanatot. Rashid.

-Tie kayo. I couldn't make it through the year without you.



Bibbo and Ben

-Tie din kayo. Both made it to the Ten Outstanding Students of the Phlippines




-I never once caught him in a fashion disaster. NEVAH!


First of all, I'd like to emphasize one thing, I don't really celebrate the new year like the stereotypical noypi--paputok, media noche, count down, polka dots, pasabog ng coins, (fill in more here). Why should I when I am not a Chinese who believes in shooing away malas by making noise? Why should I when I don't believe in attracting swerte by dressing up in polka dots and serving rounded fruits? Why should I when I am a Muslim whose real new year isn't today because we have our own calendar?

But then again, I can't sleep the night away and not notice the celebration around me. I can't wake up tomorrow feeling like it is just an ordinary day. Come on! It's 1-1-11. I'm not KJ either. I mean, the world celebrates it, I can't help but join the party party, even if just in thought.

Anyway, how did I spend my last afternoon of 2010? I embarked on a PROJECT BEDROOM MAKEOVER. It started out as an idea from Kcaiyah of She shared in Facebook that she'll be cleaning her house today. Before that, I asked (through fb) how am I supposed to make the most of my last day in 2010. Jaydee of responed, said I should do one thing that I've always wanted to do. I though, bungee-jumping? But that is out of question. I mean, I can only achieve that by tying my legs with nylon cord and jump over the bridge. So after I saw Ayah's shout, a light bulb suddenly glowed inside my coconut shell. Aha! That's it. I'll clean my room and rearrange my stuffs for a total new look and sqeaky-clean feel.

Fortunately, I have my younger brother who is willing to oblige to every command I utter. He helped me move my wooden ornately carved wardrobe and my white fit-for-a-princess bed(yeah right). I vacuumed ever corner and crevice, changed the curtains and beddings, changed the pictures in the frames, and posted new stuff on my inspiration boards. I wish I could post a pic here, but again, I am posting through email so that won't be possible. I spent the whole afternoon digging under my stuffs. I decided to throw away anything that is not useful anymore. Three hours after, napuno na yung isang sako ng mga bagay na itatapon ko. Whoa! Didn't know I kept all those junk in my room. I guess I'm a pack rat. I find it difficult to part ways with things that I associated with a precious memory. But this afternoon, I just want to get rid of all those stuff. I want to feel fresh and light for the new year. You know it's therapeutic, that act of finally coming to terms
with things that you hold dear and finally let them go. I feel a lot better now. Parang walang excess baggage ang buhay ko.

Looking at my bedroom now, my personal space, my sanctuary, it looks a little bare. But that's how I want it, like a blank canvas waiting to be filled in with colors of 2011, waiting to be painted with new memories.

Thursday, December 30, 2010


(sent through gmail)

I read this in Women's Health Philippines May 2009 issue. It helped pull me out of the black hole I was in. I unearthed it awhile ago and I thought that maybe this can be of good use to someone out there who's in a not-so-chirpy state. Here it goes, what I'd like to share to you my readers.

*Resilient Pinays are characterized by their proactive mindset, ability to network for support, healthy sense of self and well-developed spirituality, as well as their realistic and positive perception of life. Life coach May SOriano uses the acronym ACT, which stands for awareness and acceptance of the present reality, choices that they need to make to move forward, and taking action with responsibility.

*Experts agree that a healthy self-esteem is essential to being able to bounce back.A lack of self-esteem is marked by "feeling bankrupt emotionally, or having a sense of loneliness, alienation, or a lack of social support," says clinical psychologist Dr. Randy Dellosa. If you have these signs, reopen channels of communication and support with friends and family, advises Dr. Violeta Bautista, a family therapist.

*Move away from the belief that happiness is an end product. "It's something you have to keep working at," Soriano says. Live in the now, but with clear and realistic future goals to strive for. "Being aware and accepting of your present state allows you to move forward."

*"Enjoy what you do, for as long as you know you're doing the right thing, you will be happy with your work." says Soriano. But it's a good idea to get out of your comfort zone and learn more of what's out there.

*Keeping a journal is recommended, but Dellosa warns against potential downside. Some people get stuck in a negative rut, writing dismal thoughts that play over and over. Focus instead on the positive.

*Don't suppress negative emotions for a long period of time. This can lead to panic attacks, major depression or substance abuse. If you feel that you and your network of family and friends cannot get you out of your rut, do seek professional help.

*Watch what you eat when you are depressed. Research shows that in the US, the recession has led to an unusual spike in candy sales in the late 2008 and early 2009, reflecting a similar trend during the Great Depression in the 1930s.

Blessed night everyone. May your dreams be filled with unicorns pooping butterflies and witches in rainbow cloaks and trees bearing candies instead of fruits and chocolate mushrooms.


Such a cliche, that tradition of making new year's resolutions. I made some last year and listed them on my organizer-turned-notebook. Here's what I wrote:

"Jan. 1 midnightish

Thursday night. Watched Us Girls, Fashionista by Heart, ANTM. Went to bed, now making my resolutions. Wearing a yellow Toy Story shirt and red-yellow print shorts. Fireworks. Radio on in the neighbor. Buddy and Lats watching TV. A mouse in my trash bin,trapped. A meowing cat. Gunfires. Hair tucked under a white bonnet. Airg on my mobile. A miniature unfinished, scattered on the floor. My old shabby about-to-die phone. Monkey stuffed toy hugging my curtain. Am leaving 2009 now, entering 2010. Goodbye bad memories. Welcome hope.


Patience patience!

Work out

Let go.

Work toward goal"

That's how I welcomed 2010. A sat down and just wrote everything my senses could perceive. I wanted to capture the moment, and that feeling of readiness to face a new year. I couldn't even write a coherent grammatically correct crap. But didn't matter.

Am I successful with fulfilling all that I promised then? In some degree, yes. But not totally. But that's not the essence of resolutions, I believe. It's not about overnight makeovers. Sesolution is simply reaffirming that we still have some room for improvement and that desire to be better versions of ourselves is still ever-present. Some people, like Luis Manzano, doesn't believe in it. He said we can change any time of the year. I second that. Although I still like making resolutions on new year's eve because it is my personal tradition. It prepares me mentally for a new start. All the nostalgia and sentimentality generated by the year end is just perfect to heighten my hopes for a better year, better ME.

What about you, what is your new year's resolution? I won't be making mine now, but on the new year's eve. I'll be blogging about it. Promise.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

[[ AU REVOIR 2010 ]]

Three days from now, I would have to habituate myself in writing the date, instead of 2010, I'd be writing 2011. I don't know why but whenever the year closes towards its end, I can't help but get this bitter-sweet feeling. Bitter, for many reasons like that feeling of I could have done more with the three hundred sixty-five days I was given. Sweet, because I have a clean slate to start over with.

What will I miss about last year? Number one, the drama of going back to school. Yes, I've been out of school for a while. Little miss Ayeesha MD, like Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg, once dropped out of school for reasons that are too complicated to be posted here. Maybe I'll talk about it later on, in a write up all about it. But unlike those two filthy rich computer geeks, I decided to come back this year to finish my last year in premed. I came back to chase my newfound dream--to become an MD. But coming back to school isn't easy. It's awfully full of unnecessary drama. But I'll miss all that. Because it tested my patience, faith, and inner strength. It reaffirmed the fact that I've always have known, that Mamang and Papang loves their daughter too much that they don't give a damn if she wastes her time trying to figure out first what she wants in life instead of going to school without a clear intention in mind.

Number two, I'll miss the presidential campaign. I was in color green that time, head to toe. I WAS FOR GIBO! It was the most exciting election ever for the competition was tight. Like, Villar stank with billions of pesosesoses to spend for appeal-to-pity campaign ads. Meanwhile, Noynoy was as clean as a polo shirt newly washed with Tide, Ariel, Surf, Mr. Clean, and Champion combined. At hindi daw siya magnanakaw. With that ala-Santino campaigns and Mama and Papa to make the Filipino people feel obligated to vote for him, can you ask for more? There was Erap too, with surprisingly large number of following. I believe that he did not run to win. He ran to absolve himself from all the funny businesses he got into before he was ousted of the Palace. He wanted to clean his dirty laundry by showing the world that the majority of the MASA still believes in him. Honestly, I was surprised by that. Mga Pinoy nga naman. Forget and forget. And there was another
one, that guy in yellow, head of a religious affiliation I believe. I can't even remember his name. Ah, Eddie Villanueva? But never mind. I don't know him. Really. Why was I in color green then? In fact, I still keep that green rubber wrist band. Actually, I believe in galing at talino. For a change, I want a president I can truly be in awe of. More work, less talk. Someone who won't deceive the people with brainwashing but by naked facts. Someone who has that strong character to lead a country with firmness. He is young and young blood still carries that passionate idealism, that tomorrow is a better day and the system has hopes for change.

Number three, NMAT blues. How I'd miss the kaba I get whenever I think about NMAT. How I'd miss those Saturdays and Sundays sitting in my review classes, those Tuesday and Friday afternoons spent in the American Studies Section of the library answering the MSA NMAT reviewer. I miss the anticipation, the stress, the adrenaline rush, the sleepless nights. I'll miss the two weeks of waiting for the results. Like, I literally palpitate everyday. I'd miss the three hours face to face with the monitor trying to download the pdf file of my result. Never in my life had I got so scared. Sounds overacting. But you see, I set a really high standard for myself. After being out of school last year, I had to do REALLY good in NMAT to prove to my parents that I still am as good as ever. That I deserve a shot in medicine. I remember telling my bestie Yanna that if I get a not-so-satisfactory score, i won't go to med school at all. What for when I can't be the best
anyway? So what's my score? I'll post it soon, maybe I'll include a screen shot of my result. Haha.

I believe it has been a good year.And I won't wallow nostalgia for too long. 2011 is winking at me from a distance. Better ready myself for all that will come. Med school, here I come!

Sunday, December 26, 2010



Right outside the door, a thousand streets and avenues awaits. Each branches out like tributaries of a river. Each one meanders, curves, twists, and turns. Each intersects another like a strand of fiber in a woven mat.

Right outside the door, a thousand street posts, signs, and lights await. Each one wants to make you stop, wait, or go. Each one wants you to cross or not to cross. Each one wants you to take or not take a U-turn, left turn, or right turn.

But when you step right outside your door, do you know where you want to end up? Do you know which roads will take you there? Which street sign will lead you there? Which lanes you should cross?

So close your eyes. Right there is a map. It is called dream. It will tell you where to go or where to wander. It will tell you which street is a delight to walk on. It will tell you not necessarily exactly how to get there, but exactly WHERE you WANT to go. That's the essence of dreaming. It puts a rudder on the boat so it won't just float on the sea, or worse, sink at the bottom. It gives each day a purpose.


A wise man once said "A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step." Another wise man, but relatively more modern and humorous, said "A journey of a thousand sites starts with a single click." Another person, a trying to be wise, yours truly, says "An Imeldific collection of a thousand shoes starts with a single pair."

Alright. There you are right outside your door with a map inside your head. You know where to go. You know how to get there. But to really be there where you want to be, you've got to take a step. And another. And another. A thousand more. You'll probably get slowed down by the traffic, pushed to the sidewalks by burly pedestrians, even hurt by street thugs. But you would have to go. Further. Each step a must. Each leap. You'd have to work for it. Not just today, but for all the days to come. Overnight success happens after a couple of years, hundreds of overtimes and sleepless nights, buckets of tears of pain.


You have travelled quite far from right outside your door now. But haven't you noticed the frequency of traffic jams? How many strange looking red-eyed strangers looking at you like a prey? How many yellow cabs refusing you a ride? The number of open manholes in every block anticipating to trap you? That some street lights aren't worknig, some street signs deceitful?

I didn't notice all that. But after being ran over by a bus, being led to a rat-infested district, falling into a stinking manhole, I saw all these. Maybe much more danger lurks out there, concealed by my blindness, innocence, and optimism. But at least, I know now. So much out there is beyond my control. In a matter of a seconds, my journey of a thousand miles may be ended by a catastrophe.

But I have to go on. Go further. This time with a helmet, knee and elbow pads, and a pepper spray. Not only that, I need prayer. I need Him. He only can pull the strings of destiny. He only can crush the barriers on my way. He only can give me the courage and the strength to fight my daily struggles.

So there you go, three words I'm betting on. I am betting on them, risking my tomorrow and every day after tomorrow.

(Good night blogosphere. Happy holidays!)


It's 8 in the morning now. It's still a bit cold. I forgot to close my window last night. I left the shutters a little ajar. I can hear my brothers play basketball on the court right outside my window. The TV is tuned to Cinema One, I believe, for I can hear that it's showing a classic Rene Requiestas movie.

What exactly do I have in mind? ---GOOD MORNING. Not a greeting. But description of the morning. A good one. I say such because after nights of sleeplessness, I don't expect to wake up in such a good state. Even though last night's sleep can't compensate for the deficit over the past weeks, surprisingly, unlike many mornings ago, this time I don't want to go back to my dreamy slumber. In fact, I am itching to roll out bed for I know there's a bag of warm pan de sal waiting for me at the table. For I know how delectable cheese is as it melts on the warm bread. For coffee will wake much more than alertness in me. But not yet. Not until I shared the joy of a good morning. :)

This is one of those simple yet exquisite moments when I feel so alive. The sun is bursting in the east, rushing to melt away last night's gloom, scaring the fears of yesterday, bringing hope for today. That maybe today will be a better day. That maybe a surprise is lurking somewhere, waiting to lurch at me any moment from now. That maybe a great story is waiting to unfold.

Ayeesha, get up now. Devour as much as you can. You'll need energy as you consume the hours of the day. Wear your best dress underneath your rusty knight's armor. Wear proudly the family's coat of arms. Shout our battle cry. Today we'll be in the offensive position. Today maybe our day to win one of our many battles. Success sits helplessly on the battlefield. March on!

Saturday, December 25, 2010


I'd like to share some unforgettable words that made an impression on me.

"The most stupid thing in to not ask when you do not know"
-Sir Cesar dela Sena (my prof in genetics)

"Every survival kit should include a sense of humor."
-Author Unknown

"Souls don't have races, sexes or religions. They are beyond artificial divisions." -Brian Weiss

"A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself."
-Jim Morrison

"Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope."
-Dr Suess

"To live in the hearts we leave behind is not to die."
-Thomas Campbell

"After dark all cats are leopards."
-Author Unknown

"Not all who wander are lost."
-JRR Tolkien

"Wag More, Bark Less - Whine Less, Breathe More."
-Swedish Proverb

"The mind cannot forget what the hands have learned."
-Author Unknown

"There could be whole antiworlds and antipeople made out of antiparticles. However, if you ever meet your antiself, don't shake hands! You would both vanish in a great flash of light."
-Stephen Hawking

"We all come from the same root, but the leaves are all different."
-John Fire Lame Deer, Lakota

"Life is a continual process of remaking ourselves."
-Author Unknown

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."
-Franklin D. Roosevelt

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who matter don't mind, and those that mind, don't matter."
-Dr. Seuss

"Some days there won't be a song in your heart. Sing anyway."
-Emory Austin

"Once you choose hope, anything's possible."
-Christopher Reeve

"You wake up in the morning, and your purse is magically filled with twenty-four hours of unmanufactured tissue of the universe of your life! It is yours. It is the most precious of possessions. No one can take it from you. And no one receives either more or less than you receive."
-Dr. Thomas Arnold Bennett

"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus"
-Mark Twain

"Art is the only way to run away without leaving home."
-Twyla Tharp

"As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes".
-Mel Brooks

"Where's your will to be weird?"
-Jim Morrison

"Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."
-Lewis Carroll

"I was young and foolish then; now I am old and foolisher."
-Mark Twain

"Life's a garden. Dig it."
-Author Unknown

"Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted."
-John Lennon

"I think Michael Jordan sums it all up pretty good when he said
'Just play. Have fun. Enjoy the game.'"

[[ PARA LANG MAY MAIPOST ]] masubukan na rin magsulat sa wikan Filipino. Nakita ko tong
survey na ito sa blo nid ni Zaobie. Naisip kong sagutan na rin. Wala
din naman akong maisip na paksa sa araw na ito. Napuyat kasi kaagbi sa
ma di maipaliwanag na emosyon.

1. Kunyare nag-i love you ka na sa crush mo tapos biglang may lumitaw
na dragon sa harap mo, ano favorite mong pagkain?


2. Pag lumindol ng malakas at katabi mo crush mo, anong gusto mong
sabihin sa mga may ayaw kay Pacquiao?


3. Kunyare mananalo ka ng 1 million, anong gusto mong kulay ng rainbow?


4. Binigyan ka ng kapangyarihan ng diwata, ano name ng first crush mo?


5. Ipapamana sayo mga ari-arian nyo ng tatay mo. Kung papipiliin ka, punk o emo?


6. Kunyare papatay ka ng tao, saan ka galing kahapon?


7. Kunyare nasa gubat ka na punong puno ng mga mapanganib na hayop,
papayag ka ba mapunta si Angel Locsin kay Kuya Roderick?


8. Sa hirap ng buhay ngayon, anong favorite mong band?


9. Kunyare nakasalubong mo ex-love mo na may kasamang bago nyang
boyfriend/girlfriend, anong gagawin mo para makatulong sa mga
nasalanta ng bagyo?


10. Nabuntis mo girlfriend ng bestfriend mo tapos tinanong ka nya, KFC o McDO?


11. Kunyare magugunaw na mundo bukas tapos nalaman mong gusto ka rin
ng gusto mo, kaninong dentista ka magpapaus ng ipin?


12. Oo at hindi lng, anong pakiramdam mo ngayon?


13. Sa gulo ng gobyerno natin ngayon, sa tingin mo may pag-asa pa bang
mabago ang size ng pasas?


14. Nastranded ka sa elevator wala kang mahingan ng tulong, anong
gagawin mo para makaalis ng bahay bukas?


15. Naalala mo bigla ung EX mo, tingin mo naalala ka rin ng teacher mo
nung grade 1?


16. Hindi na kayo nagpapansinan ng dating mahal mo, tingin mo alam nya
ang pakiramdam mo kapag may sun burn?


17. Dinampot ka ng pulis sa kasalanang hindi mo ginawa, anong gagawin
mo para add ka nya sa friendster?


18. Nagkasabay outing ng tropa at pamilya mo? Ano uunahin mo isuot
t-shirt o pantalon?


19. Nasira mo tiwala ng kaibigan mo, paano mo maibabalik ang dating
sigla ng kalikasan?


20. Pag ang baka sinabawan mo at chicken cubes nilagay mo, ano
mangingibabaw, kasamaan o kabutihan?

>>> KASAMAAN. (malademonyong tawa)


Friday, December 24, 2010


(Sorry for the double post below. My internet connection doesn't allow me to access my blogger dashboard. I'll fix it asap. I'm posting through e-mail again. *sigh*)

I said I will kill NMAT (National Medical Admission Test). I threatened it through Facebook. I said I will skin it alive. Not leave it until it is nothing but a piece of paper perfectly bloody and bruised by my Mongol two pencil.

That Sunday, December 12, 2010, I did as I promised. I woke up early morning with my fatal intent first thing in my mind. As I entered the gates of Xavier University, I made sure I was carrying my weapon. My pencil, I thought, is enough to commit the crime. There were hundreds of examinees, they too, I suppose had the same intention as mine. The air smells like war, tastes like salty blood. Everything is in shadesof red and black.

I found my assigned room, LH 200. Anticipation grew when I saw the test booklets. Fear and adrenaline melted together like an alloy in the crucible of my whole being. I was scared. Scared that my supposed victim is not that easy to overcome. It may overpower me.

The moment of truth came. The stopwatch started. I am given three hours in the morning and two and a half in the afternoon. That morning, I skirmished with Verbal, Quantitative, Perceptual Acuity, and Inductive reasoning. All my fight-or-flight hormones rushed through my veins. My fingertips were numb as they stabbed every question I laid my eyes on. Time's up. I missed two questions.

I rushed out the door to look for my brother, Buddy, who was my accomplice in the crime. I told him beforehand to get my food from the nearby Jolibee because the lunch break is like forty-five minutes only. I had to regain strength. I can't let the second half of the skirmish pass lightly. I had to make sure that the murder is executed as planned.

I was surprised that I was done with the second half that fast. There was Biology, Physics, Chemistry, and Social Science to deal with. But I don't know if I really had skinned it alive. I really don't know if the bruises I inflicted are enough. I can't be sure.

Not until now!

It's official. The body of the murdered NMAT was found. I saw the physical evidence. Shamelessly, I plea guilty.


Too dark in my room right now, the only source of illumination is my white as bone notebook. I guess it's slumber time already. But my mind is jumping off cliffs and clouds, hopping and whirling as of the moment. Meet me in the air Peter Pan!

No, I don't have anything to rant about. The world is imperfect, it is supposed to be flawed, as tainted as humanity. But tonight, I am perfectly happy. No, i am not a Powerpuff Girl to save the day, not even Uncle Mahatma to save a nation. I am just me., the only thing I can carry is my weight, the only thing i can save is my soul. We have to carry ourselves from here to there, for if we don't, what difference do we have from trees? We have to do things because we love to do them, not because we are paid. If everything was about the money, then what differs us from prostitutes? There is no guidebook on how to live, so many times I asked myself what mantra should I live by? What path should I take? Is it the path less taken according to Frost?

I saw this music video this morning. I saw a quote that caught my attention. "Love is our last big fight." I don't entirely get it. But it reminds me of Blair Waldorf (the one on TV, not my friend B)when she said "I'm not giving up on love." In that case, maybe Serena Vanderwoodsen was right when she said, "live dangerously." But battles can be fatal. But there is nothing to gain without risking anything. But how far are we willing to wager in the Russian Roulette called life.

Walking around the courtyard about an hour ago, my mind transports me to the adventures of Santiago, that famous boy created by the admired Paulo Coelho. as of this moment, I wish I was him, I wish i felt more alive.

what is it to be really alive? Do we have to bleed to know? (referring to Goo Goo Doll's famous line)

My mind goes back to the moon, I wonder how different it looks when gazed upon from a different vantage point. Say, when one is on the Everest. I can't remember seeing the moon, even the stars, when I was in the DeKalb. Every night when I look up the sky, all I see are blue and red lights leaving trails of a faint cloud, those are airplanes from O'hare Int'l Airport, one of the busiest in the world. The sky over there seems too unnatural, lacking the beauty of what i am beholding outside my window. Stephen Hawking's mechanistic view of the universe makes
perfect sense to the part of my brain where logic resides. But the truth is, I
don't give a damn when looking up at the heavens takes my breath away.
Picture me, like that of the famous painting of two men contemplating on
the moon. So cheesy.


May this night last a little longer as I bask in the ember of my bliss.

Thursday, December 23, 2010


For those who do not know Plinky, it is a site that sends prompts to bloggers to fight back the dreaded writer's block. I opened my e-mail and decided to answer this one because I think that it is relevant to me as of the moment. By the way, I am posting through e-mail now. My broadband has been problematic since last week.

So. What is that most important thing that I am putting off? CHECKING MY NMAT RESULT. B (Paynapol Joos aka Blair Waldorf) posted on my facebook wall last night that the NMAT results is available now at the cem website. That was around two in the morning and I decided it can wait tomorrow. However, today, I simply shoved down the deepest recesses of my mind THAT thing for whenever I think of it, my intestines get tied in plaits and air seems to be sucked out of every alveoli in my lungs. But hey. THAT is inevitable. Sooner or later, I would have to face it.

I had the slightest spark of courage a few minutes ago. With numb fingertips, I typed into the URL box (whatever that is called). But luck, or misfortune, knew my heart too well that my browser just refused to load the page. Maybe it felt the strength of ventricles as they squeeze blood in my heart. Maybe it felt my pulse points, especially my carotid artery on the edge of bursting.

NMAT. I thought I murdered you that Sunday afternoon. But your presence is just so palpable in the atmosphere. Every pore I have, every nerve ending, is on its toes now. You are near. An inch from my nose perhaps.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


Sittie Ayeesha is my real first name. I was the only daughter in the family for like a decade so Papang fondly called me Okilan. I know. My first name sounds weird and my moniker even weirder. Okilan was then shortened, became Oki. I don't know exactly when was that that the unthinkable happened. The two-syllable Oki even got shorter. Ox. I shouldn't be surprised if later on, I'll be left with nothing but O. Or worse, with nothing at all, if that is possible.


I am very sure that I am not the most victimized in this name game. (Notice: to all my friends who will  read this blog, if you think that you have a very bad nick name, please do not proceed reading for  statistics show that there is a 67.5 % that your name will be listed here. But you'll read anyway. At least I  warned you. *wink*) The following are the unfortunate ones:

1.       Najima-Mato
2.       Rashid's moniker is Lantoy, it doesn't sound so bad but I wanna be mean to him after praising him excessively in my last FF post so I am including him here.
3.       Guilla-Guilty
4.       My brother Barry is called in a variety of names the worst so far is Balindongdong.
5.       Sahara-Sars (What can be worse than being named after a disease?)
6.       Donorain-Dongski (Dongski is an eatery frequented by Maranaos who go down Iligan. As far as I know, it has been replaced by Neneski. Lol)
7.       My childhood friends who I used to play with when I was younger have the worst nicks--Pokndo and Poronggay.

But of course there are the lucky ones whose parents have the wits to call them cute and fancy names that they will love to keep for the rest of their lives. Some of them I know are:

1.       My bestfriend Juhairah Mindalano-Goldy
2.       Zanera-Lilang which is the Maranao equivalent of darling
3.       Jinan-Babylove
4.       Princess-Petite (from cute to cuter)
5.       Norhanie-Tickee
6.       My super gwapo brother Cahar-Mac (short for Mcguiver)
7.       Ana Famela-Leanne
8.       Hafiza-Happy :D

          It's not really our fault that we have bad monikers. We don't choose them, people around us give them to us. The following people are the ones who took the path less taken. They gave themselves their nick.

1.       Ambayanan, my gorgeous babz, was called simply Ambay. But during our second year in high school, she baptized herself as Ambishiro. Now, she is the famous Shiro.
2.       The best of this category, I say, is Adnan who is now called Dayana Mendoza after the Miss Universe 2008 winner from Venezuela.

Above are the extremes. But let's not forget those who are in between. Yung mga normal ang palayaw:

1.       Jaria-Mamai/Mei
2.       Mohammad-Ben
3.       Rashidi-Doss
4.       Ahmad-Axie/Amad/Dom 
5.       Johaira Cader-Bamba
6.       Jamaleah-Maling
7.       Marlette-Let
8.       Aynolhyatt-Aya

Last but not the least are the people I have special nicks for. Special mention kayo dito:

1.       Quiz wizard Oboy. I call him Ogirl
2.       Salman my senior in the bio department-Salwoman

Why do I call them that? That's a secret I'll never tell. Bien sûr.

[[ L'AMOUR ET LE CINEMA (love and the cinema) ]]

Mesdames et Messieurs (ladies and gentlemen), I thought it would be nice to talk about something that I don't really talk about publicly for reasons like my need to keep my vulnerable spots out of sight and my refusal to acknowledge those feelings that made Juliet drink that cup of death cocktail and pushed Romeo to pierce that dagger into his navel. L. O. V. E. What is love anyway? They say it can not be defined. Some say it is not an emotion but an action. The old-school mushy master will say it is the force that turns the world around. If that question of what love is, is thrown to me, I certainly don't have a sensible answer to that especially if the romantic-wrapped-in-pink-paper-tied with-a-red-ribbon-and-comes-with-heart-shaped-balloons-and-a-bouquet-of-roses kind of love we are talking about.

So I enlisted the help of some movies that recently made me think about amore. Some lines are just so luscious that they are as edible as a loaf of freshly baked croissants in an outdoor café by the Parisian cobblestone sidewalks.

(Marion Cotilliard in Inception)

"How could you understand? Do you know what it is to be a lover? TO BE HALF YOUR WHOLE? I'll tell you Ariadne. You're waiting for your train--the train that will take you far away.  You know where your hope this train will take you, but you don't know for sure. But it doesn't matter. How can it not matter to you where the train will take you? Coz we'll be together."--INCEPTION

(Julia Roberts in Eat Pray Love)

"I DISAPPEAR INTO THE PERSON I LOVE. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have it all. My money, my time, my body, my talk . . . and I will project upon you all sorts of nifty qualities u never actually cultivated yourself. I will give you all these and more until I am so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover is becoming infatuated with someone else." --EAT PRAY LOVE

(Boy talk, anyone?)

"Ok anyway, I love Kirk but the guy is a five. . . Meanwhile this Molly is a hard ten. The five-point disparity, that is a chasm. And you can't jump more that two points." "Guys, I think this system is ridiculous. If someone really loves you, then you are a ten." --SHE'S OUT OF MY LEAGUE

Friday, December 17, 2010


Just wanna share this little cuteness I've made and posted on my bedroom door.


(look closely, you'll see at least one tarp. click here if you want to see the photo in original size)

                I live in a society where prestige and flamboyance comes first before merit and humility. It’s not the typical Filipino sense of pride. It is more than that. So much more than that.

                If you happened to accomplish even something as trivial as passing, take note, passing, a college entrance test, you’ll have your name printed on a 1 x 5m cloth hung some place where at least half of the Maranao society can see it, proclaiming how proud your school/parents/cousins/uncles/aunts are of you. That’s just a minor case. If you passed the teaching/criminology/agricultural engineering/forestry board exams, expect a level up. You won’t get a cheap cloth streamer, you’ll get at least a 3 x 5 feet glossy tarpaulin, at least 3 of them. There’s more, if you passed the more prestigious board exams (e.g. accountancy, civil/electrical/mechanical/electronics and communications engineering, nursing), you’ll get a bigger tarp and more in number. The pinnacle of this is when you have passed the bar or the med board, prepare to be haunted by your grad pic blown-up in a tarpaulin that is the size almost like that of a billboard placed everywhere, on the streets, atop the buildings, on every crossroad, shamelessly photoshopped that people may wonder if you really are genetically blessed, been using St. Dalfour for a decade, or just came from a Belo overhaul. You will be haunted for months because the tarps will stay where they are until they fade or blown away by a storm.

                For an outsider, this seems like an excess. If exposure is food, then we may seem like gluttons. But for an insider like me numbed and desensitized by all these boastfulness and arrogance, I do LOVE this practice. I like the fact that family members won’t mind spending thousands of valuable peso to show how proud they are of their kin. I like the more-than-enough manner of saying “We are proud of you.” because that’s how it is meant to be said, with grandeur and romance to sweep anyone off his feet and feel that the years spent in school and months of slaving one‘s butt in the review center is worth it because in the end, it is very much appreciated. I like that seeing these accomplishments hung everywhere inspires a lot of people to strive hard so that one day, they too will have their names, and faces, of course, plastered somewhere like a toothpaste ad. It may sound shallow. But come to think of it, sometimes something shallow can drive us. Something as shallow as to have something to show off. Something your family and friends can show off.

                The Maranao community I realize is a society of PATALBUGAN. The question now is: papatalbog ka ba?

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


          ...that made my week more bearable.
(comcen at noon, I love how alive it becomes)

(a quote i posted on my mood board)
(doodles on my organizer-turned-notebook)


          It's no surprise that he is the first person that I am featuring here. Because. He. Is. My. Partner in crime. A.k.a. bestie.

          But more than that, I know that if I write about him, I won't run out of things to say. There is just no shortange in that area. But I don't know exactly how to begin.  Maybe I'll just write down whatever I can remember about him.

          Alright. I met him way back in high school during an inter-school quiz show. We were rivals. The next bump-into-each-other times were just vague. What I can remember is that once upon a time, we were together in every school organization that we were juggling. There was Mindanao Varsitarian (Mindanao State University official student publication), World Islamic Call Society, College Editors Guild of the Philippines, ACCESS-Philippine Youth Leadership Program, College of Natural Sciences and Mathematics-Integrated Quizzers Club, and maybe more. The more I got to know him, the more I find that Michael Jordan isn't half-man half-amazing because that description suits Rashid better.

          He is the smartest guy friend I have. He knows everything. Well maybe I'm venturing already into the hyperbole territory but the point is, he is really good in everything that he does. Need proof?

1. He is a quiz wizard. He won every quiz show there was in the university when he was still an undergrad. From A1ers science-math quiz, Honors Program multimedia quiz, SLAAP intercollegiate quiz, to Markers Histolympiad, he bagged home the bacon.

2. He is one of Mindanao's best speakers and debaters. He is already a legend in the Mindanao debate championship scene.

3. He won the Supreme Student Government by a storm even if he ran as an independent candidate. There was "landslide" in every precinct. More than winning, he led the student body well.

4. He is a writer. A good one. He writes in a very orderly and logical way, perhaps because debaters have that sense of structure and organization in putting their thoughts into words. Visit his blog (even if he does not update regularly) here.

5. Graduated BS Physics with a Latin honor and a University Student Leadership Award.

6. His first job right after graduating is college secretary slash instructor. Who gets that kind of job at the launch of one's career?

          The list will go on if I try to write every achievement he has. Let me just share some less known facts about Rashid.

1. He doesn't get fatter no matter how he tries.

2. His favorite dish is pyaren a badak.

3. He fantasizes that he is Harry Potter.

4. He loves Glee.

5. His birthday is coming up (December 17) and his wishlist is as follows: Raybans, Narnia/Chronicles of the Vampire books, cellphone, and flip-flops.

Monday, December 13, 2010


          I believe that I have the bestest people in my circle of friends. They are way too fabulous that I don't think I can help but mention them every now and then in my blog. Thus, I thought of having and FF aka featured friend posts. I don't know how often I'll be able to update this but I'll make sure that I'll pass up no one. 

          I'll be fb-ing first to see who I'll be writing about first. =)

          By the way, this book is one of my latest reads. Let me share a few lines from it.

I begin again Dr. Y.,
this neverland journal,
full of my own sense of filth.
Why else keep a journal, if not
to examine your own filth.

              Raw and fearless, I say. What do you think?

Saturday, December 11, 2010



          Tuesdays and Fridays, I have an 11:30 am-1:00 pm class. So I have to have my lunch a little late for MSU standard, that is at 1 pm. Most of my friends are out of site by now, either having their classes or wht have you. Thus, I am compelled to eat alone.

          But it is okay. Really. Especially if you have mastered the art of eating solo. Some people I know can't stand it. Like as if we are in an American teenage movie that implies that when you are alone in the cafeteria, you are a nobody. A loser.

           Have you seen the movie Eat Pray Love with Julia Roberts in it? There is this particular scene where she eats in an outdoor resto with no one but her perfect plate of spaghetti and a English-Italian dictionary. Imagine this, she and her sumptuous meal. Every bite she savors, not caring who looks at her (it's Europe anyway, no nosy people) .

          Yesterday, I wanted to recreate the scene. Instead of an outdoor cafe, I ate at Jeco's where they have this porch that overlooks the whole commercial center of the university. I had Chinese spaghetti instead of Italian and a French book in lieu of an Italian dictionary(been studying French for months now).

(pasta and French lessons)

My definition of  PARFAIT (perfect). =) 


          It’s Saturday. A day before the dreaded test. I’ve been breaking out for weeks just thinking of it. I wake up everyday feeling burdened. I’ve had sleepless nights sweating cold under my sheets with the thought that I won’t get my target percentile.

          But why, you may ask. What is this NMAT thingy?

          NMAT--National Medical Admission Test--is a must if you want to pursue medicine in the Philippines. It is administered by Center for Educational Management since 1985. It’s like, if you want to go to the best med school, you have got to get at least 90. The results is in percentile, that means that those who got 90 belongs to the top 10 percent. It’s not about how many checks and exes you got, it’s about how you rank among the thousands of NMAT takers.

          Who can take the test?

          Anyone who has a bachelor’s degree or at least a graduating student. I’ve read somewhere that the number of NMAT takers increases this year. Much of the bulk came from nurses who can’t get a job and decided to pursue medicine.

          You know I shouldn’t be this stresses out. My fault. I set a very high standard for myself. Like, I have to get my goal score. I have to. Maybe NMAT is just a formality because some say that grades are what the med schools really look into, but hey, I can’t let this slip, this opportunity to prove my potential med school that I am worthy to be accepted.

Sunday, December 5, 2010


          Right this moment, I'm thinking of Angelina Jolie. Charismatic. Mysterious. Sexiest woman in the world. What is it in her that put her on that pedestal? What makes people charismatic and mysterious like those femme fatales in film noirs?

          Ding! I have a theory.

          Charisma and mystique is the by-product of being true to oneself and not falling into stereotypes. When one is untrue, she is likely to emulate someone else, eventually being a second-rate version of another and becoming the perfect example of a stereotype. So high school flick! Or a grown up tacky film.

          On the other side, she who is comfortable in her own skin, she who does not hide her complexities, is a misfit in the usual molds of women. Predicting and reading her is difficult. Because she is human, she is real, she has weaknesses and strengths, she has varied interests, she is multidimensional. At the end of the day, you will either love her or hate her. But the odds, I bet, is that you are more likely to be drawn to her charms and air of mystique. I bet.




   I love my gay friends. So much! Why not when there are many reasons to love them? Would you mind if I enumerate?

1. Having them as friends is like having my own personal pro stylist and makeup artist. I sound like a freeloader. (LOL) When they are around, I get FREE advise on what suits me best, what flatters my body type, what the latest trend is, what color is for my skin tone, and where to buy the good stuff. They are blunt enough to tell me that what I'm wearing looks ridiculous and generous enough to boost my ego with their spicy compliments when I'm looking fab. Best of all, I can rely on them during fashion and beauty emergencies.

2. My gay friends aren't only stylists and beauty mavens, they are missosologists too. We share love for beauty pageants. It may sound cheap and tacky but I can't help love the glitz and glamor of pageants. We gush over our predictions on who's going to bag the crown and who should win the minor awards. One of my gay friends is too enthusiastic that he trains aspiring beauty queens on how to walk the runway to answering the final question. He's amazing.

3. If I have to name the funniest of my friends, the honor goes, again, to my gay friends. Nobody can make me laugh to the point of losing poise the way they can. I laugh to the point of laughing. They drop the funniest critiques and green jokes with perfect timing. If I'm around them more, I bet I'll lose weight just by laughing the pounds away.

4. The best thing about my gay friends? They are the best HMDAR(Hot Men Detection and Ranging) existing on the planet. They are like automated machines that beeps when a hot men comes close within the perimeter of their range. In fact, I cant beat them in spotting the most gorgeous man in the house. One of them invented the Sabroso Alert. Sabroso is the Chavacano term for yummy! When there's a pretty boy near us, he starts humming to the tune of Britney's toxic. LOL.

[[ WHY BLOG? ]]

          Okay. So maybe I am late in riding the blogging bandwagon. But still here I am trying to build a decent blog I can be proud of. Despite my cluelessness on techie stuffs like codes and all those jargon of the webmasters, still I am trying. I mean, look at this particular page, doesn’t it feel blank? But then I swore to myself that I’m really gonna maintain this.

          But really, why blog? I don’t know. I guess I want to chronicle the events in my life even if my days are more of a plain Jane rather than that of rock star. I guess I want to see meaning in it. I guess I want a record of who I am, like a film strip that I can detach myself and look at myself from a distance, and see me as I climb up mountains to get myself from here to there. I guess at this point, I still want to know me.

          And what’s up with the branding of  “ayeeshamd”? It’s nothing really. It's just my name, Ayeesha, and my middle and surname initials.I love that M.D. thing at the end. I mean, I'm not yet an M.D. but I have the "license" to put it there.

          You know there are nights (and days) when I think that I have thought of something clever and witty that I’d be itching to spill it to the first ear to oblige. But then, some nights (and days) a pair of ears is hard to find. Maybe, just maybe, this blogging thing will do. And I’m not promising that days from now, I may come up with something clever-and-witty-that-I’m-itching-to-spill-it-to-the-first-ear-to-oblige. But who knows? Let’s see.