This is so expected, bloggers blogging about love because… yeah yeah yeah, Valentine's Day is upcoming. And because I want that award from Kamila, the Mapagmahal Award (but I am late for the submission.)

          Valentine's Day is coming up, as the singlest girl, what is there to expect more than an ordinary day just passing me by. The only difference is I'll see couples HHWW, the girl holding a bud of rose and a bunch of chocolates. Valentine's should be renamed Singles Awareness Month. Because it is the time of the year when suddenly, single is not fabulous. Single is synonymous to unwanted, alone, pitiful.

          All these revved my writing engine to talk about love.

          Who am I anyway to talk about love when, again, I am a self-confessed singlest girl in the world. I don't think that I am that ugly to be shunned by boys, nor too wicked. But why is it that I have been all too alone all this time? Some said that I am way too intimidating. And as I have told Jojo in his interview with me, I am under the impression that regular men are not into girls whose brains are bigger than their boobs. Because they are emasculating bitches. Jojo said that what they hate is the big mouth that comes with it. I disagree Jojo. Men can't just take women who are way better than them. Because our men are raised to have that dominant image. Because our men are supposed to be alpha males with intellect always superior over the ladies. Because our men cannot be told what they are to do.

          Or maybe, I am simply not their type.


          But then again, there were those who dared to cross the line. Who dared to knock on my heart even if I have this tag on my forehead saying "Do not disturb." Oh boy, now I am realizing what I am about to spill here. Yes, this is me brutally open about this s***. There were those should-have-beens, could-have-beens, would-have-beens. And now I can just reminisce those warm memories as I hug myself before I sleep.

          First person that came to mind, you who filled my high school memories with images of green grass, blue skies, and wonderful conversations about life. But you loved her. So I tucked my heart under the dusty rug, fearful that I may lose it. I was able to keep it safe from you, but then I lost you forever.

         And then you who swore loved me since third grade. I appreciate everything, not to mention all those gifts. But we ended up nowhere. Who is to blame? Me who was hesitant to pick up the phone or you who did not call again after the calls were unanswered?

         Next, you who is generous with words yet stingy with actions. How was I to believe when we both know your womanizing capabilities? I know you too well. Your well maybe is deep but the sound is too clear when a stone is dropped in.

         And then there was the summer romance. You fell too fast that I couldn't keep up. Too persistent that you scared me away. I could have enjoyed the chase if I liked who was chasing me. Boy, it maybe was a love at first sight for you because I remember too well the way you looked at me, but five days vacation in a splendid place maybe a perfect setting to have a little fling but not a real relationship.

          And then you, the singlest guy. I don't know if I read you wrong, but I really thought that there is something in the way you treat me. I know I wasn't dreaming when you said I am a special girl to you. All those conversations we had that felt like we know each other for years. Those times when none of us can dare to put down the phone even if we ran out of words, we are content just hearing each other's breathing. What was all that about? I can't dare to ask you. It's been too long and I can't just sit around and wait for you to tell me what we really are. Let me just do it for you. We are just friends. The lines are clear now.

         I read a poem but can't find the source, I'll post the source when I find it, promise. I can only remember some lines. But I feel that it is very appropriate for this post. Here it goes..



Cease letting it be
If you have the strength to do it
Why continue holding back?

It's never enough dropping the lines
And always stepping over
Reaching out
But never getting that far.

Is the distance too wide to take leap of faith
Or has the grim already caught up with you?
Make a move and quit playing
your perfect reposes

Either you take a chance or continue
To draw more lines
Striking bolder borders that hold
A heavier burden on my bleeding heart.



        I have been solo for more than two decades now. What's a few years more of waiting? I need not a Mr. Perfect but he who will love me best. I cannot give up my freedom for someone who cannot treat me right. Because I deserve the best not because I am Sittie Ayeesha Dicali but because I know that when I love you, you can have all of me, all the best in me.