When I say diet, I mean eat-all-you-can diet.

          Food. Fooood. Fooooooood. I have a love-hate relationship with food. I love eating but it doesn't love me back. I am a voracious eater, perennially hungry but looks like someone who starves herself like an anorexic. Weighing no more than 90 pounds, I am a constant subject to interrogations on whether I eat no more than half a nibble a day. Let me make the record straight. I do not starve myself to be skinny. In fact, I am trying my hardest to gain weight because I am aware that I am underweight. I want to have what my guy friend s call "bumper". It is difficult to feel like a woman when you are as flat as a pancake, if you know what I mean.

          There was only twice in my life that I gained weight. First was when I was studying in Northern Illinois University as an exchange student. In a month, I gained 13 pounds. That is no surprise since my daily diet consists of breakfast, lunch and dinner at McDonald's and at least three bars of Hershey's milk chocolate with almonds after dinner. I replaced water with soda. My favorite is 20-ounce bottle of Mountain Dew which I can finish in three breaths.

          But when I got back to the Philippines, I cannot maintain that lifestyle anymore for many reasons like we don't have McDo in Marawi, Hershey's is sold at around 30 pesos (i used to buy it for less than a dollar at the vending machine on the second floor of Holmes Student Center Hotel in NIU), and I realized that I can't fit well anymore in my extra-small clothes. I realized I am not used to the muffin top and the love handles. I realized that the shape of my face is so round like that of Judy Ann Santos when she was her fattest. I shrunk back to my normal self in no time.

          And then I missed being huggable. I obsessed over gaining pounds for the sake of looking healthy and well-fed. But I am an emotional eater. When my pseudo bipolar self swings into the depressive mode, everything loses its taste. My throat dries out and gulping down is a chore. I am tired of dieting, eat-all-you-can way. Say I am too skinny. Say I am anorexic. I don't care anymore.